Frida's cafe

It has been a while since I’ve done this. Write. Write like I used to. Raw, imperfect, honest, and messy. I cannot remember the last time I wrote for this space. Oh yes, it was when I left BakerRipley four and a half years ago. I wrote about the people and their impact in my journey.

I have been trying to understand why it has taken me this long to do this. Why have I been avoiding it. Why have I been so scared. Perhaps I’m intimidated by the idea of starting over. Intimidated by the idea of having to re-define my voice, during a time I am actively working on re-defining myself. Self-conscious about how it may be perceived. Afraid of disruption and going outside of what has become comfortable.

It wasn’t always this way. In my early thirties there was a fearlessness in me now seems foreign. Fearlessness in my voice. My drive. I cared less about what people thought about what I said. I was hungry, eager to take on the world. To learn, grow, and succeed. I’ve always been an introvert, but during that time, I was comfortable making myself uncomfortable. There was a passion in me that drove me to do amazing things, but I also did some things that were not smart. At times, I was reckless. But let me be clear, I do not regret any of it.

Now in my forties, some of this has evolved. I don’t want to say it all has completely changed but it does feel different. Maybe because I’m older or perhaps is being more connected to myself- my thoughts and emotions. Maybe I have learned to untangle, little by little, the webs inside me. I do admit that this learning and constant processing can get exhausting. The over-analytical, self-awareness part sometimes can get overwhelming. I have never felt this awareness. It’s good but challenging. I do see/feel the results. I feel that it’s helping me grow, evolve and accept myself a little more each day.

Do you know what I’m talking about? Is this making any sense? Do you ever have moments when you react to something/someone and immediately ask yourself, “Where is that coming from? What is that really about?”

I do. ALL the time. This may be the results of years of therapy. Maybe it has to do with me being a Mom and how perspectives change. I’m not sure but it finally feels like I’m making progress. It is pushing me to feel uncomfortable in a different way. Not in my 30’s kind of way- but in a more thoughtful way. Don’t get me wrong, I have moments, bad ones but I find myself recognizing the issue more quickly. Recognize what I am doing, and I am learning how to identify when things may be connected to the roots of my traumas. We ALL have them, but we don’t always put in the work to process or simply understand where specific reactions may be coming from. I have been trying to work on this for the past few years. I still have so much more work to do but for me, this progress is becoming life changing.

So here I am, writing again. I didn’t have much of a plan for what this post would be. I think that’s the reason it took me so long. I was too focused on having a plan or doing this in a certain way. I was overthinking. Tonight, I pushed myself to just type, and this is what came out. This is what you get. A brain dump that may not make much sense right now but I will try my best to expand/breakdown some more in the coming months. I won’t commit to writing a certain amount of posts a week or a month, but I am committing to writing more than I have been doing in the last 8 years. It will be imperfect, just like it used to be. I can’t promise it will be as exciting as some of the early writings in this blog, but I’m hopeful it will be useful to some.

For now, I just want to thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you come back.

With deep gratitude,

Frida V