Frida's cafe

I’ve never connected with a piece of art in the way I connected with this painting. 

When I saw it on a wall at a gallery this summer I was beginning to discover something about myself.

I saw myself in the woman in the middle of looks like a tornado. I connected with it because it made me think of the tornado of emotions I’ve dealt with my entire life. For me, the hands reaching for her represent what sometimes feels like overwhelming responsibilities, people and personal struggles. Her eyes are covered which reminds me about my occasional blindness in the way I see myself. 

I never quite understood why it has always been hard to quiet my mind and to focus on the things I need to focus on. In college, I always had to study extra hard to barely make passing grades. Testing was very difficult as well as reading. This always made me feel less than and a mediocre student. Despite working so hard, results were not always what I hoped for.

I wanted to be an over achieving student but instead, felt stupid. 

Now as a professional, staying on task at work can become a task itself. I’ve never been lazy but somehow felt as if I was due to my struggle to prioritize.

This has not always been obvious to those who know me. I learned how to power through it and hide my internal battles from those around me.

This year that began to change after my therapist, Robert, asked me to take a few online tests for ADHD. I was a bit shocked when he first told me because this was not something that had ever crossed my mind. I began to do research about it and slowly began to understand what this could mean for me. Robert suggested a few books that were eye opening.

I have been in therapy with him for many years but this was the first time he encouraged me to do this. I believe he began to notice behaviors that prompted him to do so.

I took several online tests and the assessments all said the same – I may have mild ADHD. The questions were simple:

• How often do you have trouble wrapping up the final details of a project, once the challenging parts have been done?
• How often do you have difficulty getting things in order when you have to do a task that requires organization?
• When you have a task that requires a lot of thought, how often do you avoid or delay getting started?
• How often do you fidget or squirm with your hands or feet when you have to sit down for a long time?
• How often do you feel overly active and compelled to do things, like you were driven by a motor?

The answer choices ranged from never, rarely, sometimes, often, to very often. For most I answered, often or very often. The response after I completed the assessment: 

Your responses indicate you have symptoms that may be consistent with ADHD in adults and fuller diagnosis is recommended.

The next step took me a while but I finally made the appointment with a psychiatrist. It would be a few months before I met with him. I was nervous about talking to someone new and answering a ton of personal questions. Some, difficult. After he completed his questions he confirmed the ADHD diagnosis and he also said I was dealing with major depressive and generalized anxiety disorders. I didn’t expect this at all. I assumed I was only going to confirm the ADHD. I’ve always known there was something I’ve dealt with but to hear someone give it a name was unexpected.

The conversation after that felt overwhelming as he discussed what everything meant and options to consider. 

The doctor suggested I try medication for ADHD as well as an antidepressant for anxiety. The thought of taking medication was terrifying but talking to my therapist the day after helped me feel better about it. Taking the first dose is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I didn’t realize it would be so hard. I guess it scares me to think I need to take something to feel better or scared to feel dependent on it. 

It has been almost two months since then and life feels less overwhelming. At first, I had to adjust the antidepressant dose because I didn’t like the way I felt. I don’t do well with medication so the doctor reduced the dose and it made a difference. A month later I had a second appointment and prepared questions. I wanted to better understand what the medication does to my body, my brain and what happens when I take it. This time I tried to write notes. I also shared certain things I left out during the first appointment and walked away with another diagnosis- PTSD due to my experience in the civil war.

All of this has brought me much needed understanding and relief. My emotions have always felt like a rollercoaster and there have been times the struggle felt un-bearable.

I have shared my ADHD diagnosis this with friends and most are surprised. I hear things like, “but you always have your shit together!”

To the naked eyes, I do. I may come across as organized to others but inside things can feel chaotic. I’m learning that adults with ADHD can mask their symptoms. Some do it consciously, others do it without realizing it. For me, I’ve always been aware of my emotional struggle but I never knew the reasons why but found ways to hide it. ADHD masking describes how a person acts when they are trying to cope with symptoms. It can also be called “camouflaging” – when one person tries to hide symptoms or overcompensate for them.

For example, I write everything down because I’m afraid I will forget. I constantly have to remind myself not to interrupt during conversations or try my best to say less. At work, there are times I start decluttering and organizing my workspace to help me focus or rather to focus on something else instead of the task that needs to be complete.I tend to feel overwhelmed or overstimulated when there’s too many people or too much going on around me. I’ve always had racing thoughts and struggled quieting my mind. I also tend to have a hard time relaxing and not doing anything- at home I’ve always felt I have to be doing something. 

I never realized there’s a reason why I do all of the above until now. I am learning how to identify when I do these things and when it’s not healthy for me to do so. I am also learning to adjust to a new normal– not as chaotic. 

Since I’ve begun taking the medication there has been a significant difference in the way I feel, my mood and how I handle my emotions. At work, I feel much more productive and focused. I am able to stay on task and complete them without the pressure of doing things last minute. I don’t feel racing or overwhelming thoughts like I used to. I am also learning how to relax and be okay with not having to always be busy. I am learning how to control impulsive behaviors that lead to triggers and unhealthy actions.  There have been times when I feel numb, boring but Robert is helping me understand why this is.  We discussed that it’s an adjustment because I’m accustomed to always feeling a bit chaotic. Not feeling this way is disruptive, feels foreign.  I’ve never felt the balance I feel now. There are moments this all makes me uncomfortable and it has made me realize the normal I used to know wasn’t. It feels rare. 

I’m sharing this because I want to stop masking. This year became emotionally exhausting and perhaps this is why it became more noticeable to my therapist. Learning about these diagnoses is helping better understand my feelings, behaviors and past actions. It is helping me have more grace for myself and be less harsh with how I see myself. I’m actively trying to put less pressure on everything I do and be more open about my mental health struggles. I think it’s important we are. I think it helps make us feel less alone, less isolated. Less awkward.

Perhaps this is why I felt a deep connection with the painting. It spoke to the way I’ve always felt and the tornado of emotions I’ve lived with. Like in the painting, despite being in the middle of chaos there’s beauty all around. This reminded about my love for nature. Being around trees and bodies of water always bring me peace and calmness. It’s one of my ways to find balance.

I went back to the gallery and purchased the painting weeks after I saw it. Lupita Peralez-Garcia, the artist explained her inspiration and the fact it’s collaboration piece with another artist, Erik Martinez. It hangs on my wall at home and it’s one of my favorite pieces.

I can’t say I’m all better but can say I am working towards it. The progress I’ve made this year has been significant and transformational. For that and for the wonderful individuals around me, I am grateful. I’m deeply grateful to Robert for seeing me as I am and for pushing me outside my comfort. For helping bring the light and understanding I needed. And for staying with me through it and guiding me.

Wishing you a wonderful end of the year and hoping 2024 brings you the kind of joy your heart desires.