Frida's cafe

“Wow, she is so sad!”

That was my therapist’s response after I shared some of my childhood photos from El Salvador.  

I knew I was taken care of and loved by her. Yet, I’m learning how much the absence of both my mother and father deeply impacted me. 

I have learned that my sense of abandonment is deeply rooted in me, and it has impacted my relationships. There’s also the feeling of being dismissed, pushed to the side, and ignored. There’s also feelings of not feeling enough. 

One moment with my father lives in my memory. I now understand how hurtful it was for me as a young girl. I’ve written about it here several times. 

It happened after the Civil War ended in El Salvador and we hadn’t been able to return home. My grandmother asked my aunt to take me to his furniture store. We needed money because, at the time, we had no way to communicate with my mom in the U.S. I don’t remember if I was asked to go. At that moment, I understood that it was something I had to do. I don’t remember if I had ever seen my father before then. I was told to wear the best dress I had, it was pink and black. I remember my aunt stayed behind, waiting for me by the stairs, while I went to see him. I’m not sure if she was told to stay there. I remember walking up the stairs, excited about seeing him and wondering if he would hug me. I remember walking in and seeing a desk.  I know I saw him, but can’t remember his face clearly. I remember him wearing a blue shirt with jeans and his hair puffy. I wish I remembered his face or what he said, but I only remember the yellow envelope he gave me. It was the money I was there to pick up. That’s all I can remember. I don’t think he hugged me. I remember feeling disappointed and unwanted. I didn’t feel like I mattered. 

I have learned that this is a core memory. It has always defined my feelings towards him. It has perhaps also defined my feelings towards some relationships I’ve had with men. I have learned that what triggers me relates to specific moments like this one. 

My relationship with my mother has always contributed to some of these feelings. Our relationship has never been an easy one. It has so much to do with a lack of understanding of each other. We never really got to know each other like mother and daughter should. As a teen, after moving to the U.S. from El Salvador, the relationship always felt transactional, and unfortunately, that remains the same today. I stopped trying to connect years ago. I created distance as a way to protect myself. I don’t think I ever knew how to connect, and I don’t think she did either. She never truly understood what I yearned for or who I really was.

On the other hand, I don’t think I’ve ever been capable of grasping how she feels. Unlike my father, I have never doubted my mother’s deep love for me. I am certain she is proud of me. I think we just never figured out how to connect. She sees me in a way that may not be precise. My perception of her might also be wrong.

I wish I can say I have moved past some of these feelings. These include feelings of being dismissed, ignored, abandoned, and unworthy. Sometimes they do creep up. I am learning how to recognize them. Certain situations trigger these feelings. I remind myself to look within when this happens. Robert, my therapist, has helped me learn to manage these feelings. If not controlled, they can sabotage relationships. They also have the power to become destructive. I have been there many times, and it always feels awful. 

I think most of us have internal struggles—childhood traumas that can easily be triggered. Still, we don’t have to allow them to overpower us. When this happens, Robert reminds me to ask myself, “What is this bringing up for me? What is this really about?” For me, it always leads back to my little girl. He reminds me to be kind to her and to remind her she is worthy. Remind her she matters.